Stuff I Think About While Riding My Bike II: Electric Boogaloo

After riding the same path to and from school and home for the past 6 months, it has become so second nature that my mind tends to....wander during the trip. With that I present to you, Stuff I Think About While Riding My Bike II: Electric Boogaloo!

Note: SITAWRMB does not contain any electricity or boogaloo...ness

1. Sudden Loud Noises
The following are actual events. It's 1am on a Wednesday. I'm riding home from work through the park. I pass the trees by the creek and suddenly.... a loud rustling from a tree!  After a minor heart attack, I bolt out of there and weep silently the rest of the way home.

Now, any rational person would think it was a squirrel or a duck or a fox or just some branches falling out or something...rational.  Heck, add the word "rabid" to any of those previous options and that'd still make more sense than the conclusions I jump to. Yes, even rabid branches.  No, my mind jumped instantly to the facehugger from Alien.

Yeah. Just try and out-irrational me

2. Constant paranoia that there's someone behind me.
I wouldn't say that I'm constantly paranoid exactly, even though I just titled this section as such. But my perpetual heightened self-awareness is heightened even more so during my daily commute to the point that I'm constantly looking behind me for other bicyclists.  This isn't completely baseless paranoia, but give me a reason and I will run with it. Coincidentally, I would run with it in the same fashion I would run from a facehugger.

It started once when some other biker was riding oh so silently behind me, oblivious to the fact that I was oblivious to him. He grunted "ON YOUR LEFT" and angrily passed me, and that's all it took to put Captain Irrational in charge of the USS Glenn's Thoughts every time I ride to class. "Why wouldn't you just pass me to start? Why coast behind and get all huffy? Why even tell me you're passing me? I'm already as far to the right as I can be without being in the grass! Just do it! Now I have to worry about getting to class on time and whether or not some jerk is stalking me on their bike? I bet there's some dude behind me right now! FORGET YOU MAN!"

You again! 

3. Ghost?
At night, my mind's likeliness to make crazy conclusions triples at minimum, and septuples on average. Like this one time that I'm pretty sure I saw a ghost. For reals.

There's one section of the park I ride through that actually has some lights and right on the edge of the light, I saw someone walking into the darkness. Now by the time I got to the light and into the darkness was only a few seconds after the person. And yet, I didn't pass anyone for the rest of the way out of the park. And this was the only sidewalk. A sidewalk that had no other paths and was surrounded by tall grass that no living person would rationally walk through on a cold, dark night. Therefore the only conclusion: ghost.

No living person would be in the park this late. Well... except for me.

4. Overly Cautious Bikers
I'll wrap this one up with a look at another type of bicyclist: the overly cautious biker.  Let's break down their common characteristics: Moderately fancy helmet, fleece vest from REI, New Balance shoes, one of those straps for their right pant leg so the chain doesn't rip it, a flashing, retina burning headlight, and no less than 3 rear flashing lights on their backpack, helmet and bike respectively.

Saftey is a good thing, especially on bikes. But, I would say moderation in everything, even safety. Too much "safety" and it just becomes a hazard for others. Mainly the eyes of others. I mean, seriously. It's not even dusk. You don't even need your lights on right now. We're the only two people in the park, well removed from any kind of motorized vehicle. Calm down with the lights there, Blinky. Sheesh.

If it weren't so annoying, it'd be like a laser show! Wait...that'd still be annoying.

"Dealing" with "People"

On my first day back this semester I was filled with hope. Hope for a fresh start. Hope for personal growth. Hope for a car.  Hope for a lot of things.  But then, after less then a minute on the main walkway through campus, I encountered some "people." That's right, "people." And all hope was lost. Forever.

I use the quotes because 90% of human beings that I randomly encounter in my life are fine and make no impact on me one way or another. But the other 10% necessitate the quotes. The quotes indicate their uniqueness and this "uniqueness" is what makes me displeased to be near them. Today I will describe one brand of "people": the oft-encountered (on campus), ever-persistent, Clipboards.

I characterize anyone as a Clipboard by the following: standing in a high-traffic area, wearing some sort of organization's apparel, "opinions," vacant, soulless eyes, and clutching their most defining characteristic: clipboards.



"People" don't merit fancier drawings. Also I'm lazy.



This is an actual thing that happened to me today.  I dismounted my bike as per the large "DISMOUNT ZONE" sign painted on the ground. As I walked my bike through the plaza area to my class I put my headphones on to indicate to the world that I couldn't hear it and was doing my best to ignore it. As I resisted the urge to sing along aloud to "Don't Stop Believin'," I caught a glimpse of plastic with a bit of metal holding paper to it. 

In a panic, I tried to find some fellow Clipboard-avoiders to mesh with and slip by, but I was alone and I stood out with my bike.  Easy prey.  I lamented not putting in my contacts and wearing sunglasses to round out the "I'm Ignoring You" look.  Because without sunglasses, I was still vulnerable. They could make eye contact and all would be lost. Forever.

And that's just what happened.  Being the (regrettably) nice guy I am, once eye contact was made, he said something and, in an uncontrollable reflex I've developed, I took one side of my headphones off to hear what it was. "Stupid move, Glenn," chided my internal monologue.

Here is where the story becomes an atypical interaction with "people." He said, and I'm not making any of this up, "Hey is that your dog?" indicating to my bike.  Dumbfounded, my verbal reaction reassured me that I could be mean when I need to be. I condescendingly said  "Does it look like a dog?" I know, not an award-winning comeback, but dammit, I'm just happy I didn't stumble over some half-words and foam at the mouth, so no judging. I didn't even wait for him to finish asking if he could talk to me about some.... cause or whatever, so I just said, "No. I have class," indicating that I was both busy and better than him.

Triumphantly, I locked up my bike and victoriously hummed along to the rest of "Don't Stop Believin.'"  Now I didn't actually have class for another 45 minutes, but I wasn't technically lying. At least not this time. Any other Clipboard encounter and I'll say whatever I have to to get away. In fact, I recall one Greenpeace Clipboard asking if I loved my family to hook me into a conversation. I replied "No, I hate my family" (I don't really) and briskly walked away, with no particular place to go other than away.

Despite Clipboards, and indeed anyone else who I would consider "people," cause all hope to be lost forever,  I find that all hope is easily found once again by defeating them. And, with that, I add another hope to my list. Hope to never have to "deal" with those particular "people" again. Forever. Or at least for a week or so.

Stuff I Think About While Riding My Bike

I ride my bike to and from school every day. Sometimes twice for work. And the way I go usually is devoid of traffic save for a few intersections, but it still takes about a half an hour to get where I'm going. That's 2 hours of riding on some days. So I have plenty of time to think about strange stuff, and boy does my mind think of the weirdest things when it's allowed to wander. So I present for you: Stuff I Think About While Riding My Bike, or SITAWRMB. That's a working title.

1. While I'd would never actually want this to happen, if I ever had to be hit by a vehicle, I would want to be hit by an ambulance. Think about it: a team of trained professionals is already there to save your life. Well, I suppose you could still die as an ambulance is pretty big and if it's going fast enough, you're done for. But on average, I'd choose ambulance every time. Though if I did get hit fatally, at least my last thought would be one of delicious irony. "Ha! I about to be killed by an ambulance! How hilariou-" I'd think as it plowed into me. Macabre, but hilarious. Also, I guess I'd have to be deaf in this scenario, otherwise I'd hear the sirens and probably move. Again, I'd never actually want this to happen, but if some omnicient intergalactic being forced me to be struck by a vehicle for it's amusement, I'd choose ambulance just as a small victory for myself.

2. Here's strange situation I actually tweeted about a while ago. It's about 1 in the morning, I'm riding home from work, it's cold, foggy and there's a full moon. In the distance I hear police sirens. The first thought in my head? A werewolf has escaped. Now, I don't actually believe in werewolves, but some part of me has been trained to think full moon + creepiness = werewolf. I've ridden through that park countless times, on much darker nights, but the fog added about 241% more creepiness. Needless to say, I rode home in record time.

3. Street lights are there to help us see at night. Except for one. One that I know hates me. It's right before the intersection of Shields and Lake and every time I pass it, it goes out. And I mean every. Single. Time. And every single time, I somehow still get startled by it and let out a muffled "sonofabitch!" I have no clue why it goes out when I pass it. I've seen plenty of cars and pedestrians pass it without so much of a flicker, so I must be giving off some sort of weak electromagnetic pulse or something. Which, if it's true, could be just the kind of lame super power I need to finish my lame super power bingo card.

4. This one is just a generalization about other bikers I encounter. I know for a fact that not everyone who rides a bike does it for pleasure. Take, for example, me. I do it out of necessity. And spite. Mostly spite. However, the vast majority of other cyclists seem to be the hardcore, spandex wearing, aerodynamic helmet sporting, performance bicycle riding enthusiasts. And in this case I call them "cyclists" rather than "bikers" because that's probably what they consider themselves. "Oh, I'm cyclist. Look at all my uncomfortable curves as I pass you no matter how fast you're going." It wouldn't bother me so much, but somehow, I know they're judging me with their judging eyes, hiding behind their judgeproof sunglasses with UV protection.

They're just one subset of other bike riders that annoy me. Perhaps I'll get into the dreaded "fixie" riders next time.

BONUS IMAGE: Lame Super Power Bingo