Things I Should Have Done In College

Now that I'm "officially' done with college (I was unofficially done about 2 years ago, when I stopped caring), I have the perfect time to reflect on the things I did. After about 5 minutes of that I then realized I didn't do a lot of things.  The following is a list of things wanted to do, but didn't.


1. Updated My Blog More (Specifically About That Trip)

I'll start this off with an admission: a good portion of the reason I'm writing this particular blog post is to try out my new drawing tablet that my amazing friends got me for graduation. Following that admission, I'd like to thank Austin, Christian and Shelly for making me have to draw more.

Maybe now the floating, disembodied heads of my friends will stop haunting me.

Now, I'd like to issue an apology. I'm sorry I said I'd do a blog post about the trip last August and then never made one. I'm sure you've noticed that I'm super lazy. The fact that this post is even up (it is up, right?) is a miracle. Sure I could make excuses like: "I'm too tired" or "I can't draw" or "I have to pass this class so I can graduate," but I know now that this blog is like, super important. For serious.

I resolve now to post at least one long blog post a month, or 2 short ones. If I don't keep up with the posts, I give anyone permission to come to my place of residence and slap me until I make one. Did I mention I'll be living in South Korea for a year?

2. Kept Up With Friends (Or To Not Have Been A Total Social Recluse)

Save for the aforementioned three people and my roommates, I feel like the little social interaction I had over the last year or so has made me somewhat of a hermit. In fact I recall about a month this last summer where both my roommates were gone and "all" my other friends were out of town or busy. Most people would call it June, but I like to call the Garlic Month.

I call it so because I partook of pepperoni and garlic pizza at least once a week and as a result, for the first time I could actually feel how bad I smelled. On top of it all I frequently talked to myself, and, if I didn't have work that day, I would just stay in my pajamas. Had my beard been longer and grayer, I would have been the very model of a stereotypical hermit. Once I even got to yell at some kids for hitting a baseball into our window!

And I also became an olde timey prospector that same month.

Aside from that month, I've kept an acceptable appearance/smell for society. So why do I feel like society is forcing me to be a recluse? Or "reclusing" me, if you will.  Well, the problem isn't society; it's me.  And it's my own stupid fault I can't keep up with friends.  I just get too awkward about calling people.  I'm never sure on the etiquette on calling friends you haven't talked to for awhile. So to avoid all awkwardness, I usually just don't call. That can actually lead to further awkwardness later on. Unfortunately, I've never been a good at thinking ahead. Just ask me anytime after I've fallen for eating some Panda Express again.

3. Found Out What That Noise I Always Heard When Walking Past The Student Center Theater Was

Every single time I walked by it sounded like someone was drilling for about 5 seconds. There was never a time I walked by when I did not hear the sound. It obviously couldn't have been some sort of machinery, so my mind instantly came up with the following scenario: the slowest, most patient heist ever pulled. Slowly drilling into the vault, only turning the drill on for 5 seconds at a time over the course of 4 years and coincidentally only when I walked by. It is the only logical explanation.

My theory doesn't go over as well when I shout it at random passers-by.

4. Chose A Major That I Liked

To those that know me, which is really anyone who reads this blog, it is no secret that I kind of actually hate my major.  Sure, it didn't start out that way. At the beginning I'd feel like a whiz getting the console to output "Hello World" or finally figuring out how a loop worked. Fast forward a few years and I felt like a moron when, for an assignment involving a 3D simulation of a flood in Poudre Valley, all I could do was turn the entire screen blue.  This resulted in me having to repeat that class and put off graduation another semester.

I was barely a decent programmer and what little joy I got from supposedly solving a problem was squashed when I'd get my grades back. So why did I choose computer science? It was all because of a clever ruse pulled by the Computer Science Department.  My freshman year when I was "branching out" I tried loads of things, English, Political Science, Oceanography, more English.  But one class can be attributed to my downfall: CS150.

CS150 was a Java programming class not intended for CS majors. Let me repeat that: it was NOT intended for CS majors so it was not indicative of the course work.  Somewhere in my mind I knew, but I completely ignored it. Instead, I was amazed by the subject matter, silently hoping that this is what programmers got to do.

What was the class about, you say? Shapes, basically. We learned how to draw shapes in Java. It was essentially the preschool equivalent of programming.

Fooled by that class, I signed up for CS160 the next semester. And if I hadn't done that... well my life would be decidedly different, but more to the matter at hand, I wouldn't have number 5 on this list.


5. Been The Better Person (For The Wrong Reasons)

In my CS160 class, I met my future ex-girlfriend. There were things about our relationship that I thought might cause a problem down the line, but I foolishly ignored them. After about 2-ish years, she dumped me in the summer of 2010 for reasons that were never clear to me (and perhaps to her).  I won't lie; I was devastated and I'm still feeling the effects.

Not being stupid or irrational at all.

Dealing with an extremely damaged ego and going to therapy for a year made me come to terms with a lot of personal problems.  Yet, no matter how much I pushed through the tough times, there was always one thing I just felt like I had to do. It was the one thing I wanted to do more than anything, but never got the chance:  to get the most polite revenge ever.

I played it out in my mind. I'd see her one last time, we'd have awkward eye contact, and I'd say, as genuinely as I could, "Hey. Take care of yourself." Then just walk away. No time for her to respond. Just leave. At that point the camera would slowly zoom out and the credits would roll.

Then my glasses would inexplicably darken and something would explode.

It's silly, I know that it would have been a bad idea, and I'm glad I actually never did do it. She's got her own life now and I wish her all the best (well, most of the best, she did cause me untold amounts of existential turmoil). But I've got my own life to worry about and, with any luck, can still get some revenge by living it. That'll show her!

SITAWRMB III: The Revenge of Stuff I Think About While Riding My Bike

A few weeks ago, my car was out of commission, and now that the ser-vice light is coming on, I've "decided" to ride my bike more. So it's time once again for my only recurring type of post: Stuff I Think About While Riding My Bike! *(Now with noses!)

Revengence.

1. Making a Face

I have a problem. Not a serious one, but a problem nevertheless.  This problem is an inability to maintain a normal face.  This problem usually manifests itself whenever I think, so I try to avoid thinking all together. But anyone who has ever ridden a bike will tell you that you probably should be thinking while riding. And since this post is specifically called " Stuff I THINK About While Riding My Bike" it will be impossible to keep a face that doesn't look like a mouth-breathing moron.



I believe the proper word for that face is "Derp"

 2. Proper Attire

Did I miss the memo where it's not permissable to wear jeans and sandals whilst operating a bicycle?  Sorry I don't own a pair of those fancy shoes that clip onto the pedals. Sorry I don't wear form fitting bike shorts that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination.  Sorry I only own normal people clothes.  If I'm going to commit a fashion faux pas, I'd prefer it be during my brief transportation sessions, rather than spend all day in in spandex.  I've mentioned bike attire in the past, but now that it's summer and they're out in hordes, I feel that because I'm using my bike for transportation rather than hardcore recreation, I've somehow offended the entire population of the city just because I was too lazy to put socks on.  Seriously. Stop looking at me. I'm not changing.

Leaves nothing to the imagination. NOTHING.

3. Getting Shanked

To my knowledge, throughout the entire park, there is only one trash can.  It is a metal barrel next to a sign about picking up your dog's poo.  This recepticle serves two purposes. The first is for the obvious purpose of containing refuse. The second is to make me think there is a person in the dark, at night, waiting to stab me.  Granted it's a small barrell, but it is roughly the size of a crouched man with a shiv in hand.  All I can think as I pass the barrel at night is how much I wouldn't enjoy getting stabbed. Especially by someone hiding behind a trash can, in a park, at night, while riding my bike.




Looks like the barrell is going to shank me. Oh great,  now I have to worry about the barrel gaining sentience.


4. How Stupid Recumbent Bikes Are

I mean, come on. Just look at them! They look like Dr. Seuss bikes!

I can't tell where the bike begins and the man ends....

A(n) (arm)Hairy Situation

You know when your arm or leg hair moves and you immediately think it's a bug trying to kill you? ....No? Just me? Well... that's what this one's about.

Stuff I Think About While Riding My Bike II: Electric Boogaloo

After riding the same path to and from school and home for the past 6 months, it has become so second nature that my mind tends to....wander during the trip. With that I present to you, Stuff I Think About While Riding My Bike II: Electric Boogaloo!

Note: SITAWRMB does not contain any electricity or boogaloo...ness

1. Sudden Loud Noises
The following are actual events. It's 1am on a Wednesday. I'm riding home from work through the park. I pass the trees by the creek and suddenly.... a loud rustling from a tree!  After a minor heart attack, I bolt out of there and weep silently the rest of the way home.

Now, any rational person would think it was a squirrel or a duck or a fox or just some branches falling out or something...rational.  Heck, add the word "rabid" to any of those previous options and that'd still make more sense than the conclusions I jump to. Yes, even rabid branches.  No, my mind jumped instantly to the facehugger from Alien.

Yeah. Just try and out-irrational me

2. Constant paranoia that there's someone behind me.
I wouldn't say that I'm constantly paranoid exactly, even though I just titled this section as such. But my perpetual heightened self-awareness is heightened even more so during my daily commute to the point that I'm constantly looking behind me for other bicyclists.  This isn't completely baseless paranoia, but give me a reason and I will run with it. Coincidentally, I would run with it in the same fashion I would run from a facehugger.

It started once when some other biker was riding oh so silently behind me, oblivious to the fact that I was oblivious to him. He grunted "ON YOUR LEFT" and angrily passed me, and that's all it took to put Captain Irrational in charge of the USS Glenn's Thoughts every time I ride to class. "Why wouldn't you just pass me to start? Why coast behind and get all huffy? Why even tell me you're passing me? I'm already as far to the right as I can be without being in the grass! Just do it! Now I have to worry about getting to class on time and whether or not some jerk is stalking me on their bike? I bet there's some dude behind me right now! FORGET YOU MAN!"

You again! 

3. Ghost?
At night, my mind's likeliness to make crazy conclusions triples at minimum, and septuples on average. Like this one time that I'm pretty sure I saw a ghost. For reals.

There's one section of the park I ride through that actually has some lights and right on the edge of the light, I saw someone walking into the darkness. Now by the time I got to the light and into the darkness was only a few seconds after the person. And yet, I didn't pass anyone for the rest of the way out of the park. And this was the only sidewalk. A sidewalk that had no other paths and was surrounded by tall grass that no living person would rationally walk through on a cold, dark night. Therefore the only conclusion: ghost.

No living person would be in the park this late. Well... except for me.

4. Overly Cautious Bikers
I'll wrap this one up with a look at another type of bicyclist: the overly cautious biker.  Let's break down their common characteristics: Moderately fancy helmet, fleece vest from REI, New Balance shoes, one of those straps for their right pant leg so the chain doesn't rip it, a flashing, retina burning headlight, and no less than 3 rear flashing lights on their backpack, helmet and bike respectively.

Saftey is a good thing, especially on bikes. But, I would say moderation in everything, even safety. Too much "safety" and it just becomes a hazard for others. Mainly the eyes of others. I mean, seriously. It's not even dusk. You don't even need your lights on right now. We're the only two people in the park, well removed from any kind of motorized vehicle. Calm down with the lights there, Blinky. Sheesh.

If it weren't so annoying, it'd be like a laser show! Wait...that'd still be annoying.

This Past Year: A Look Back At My Life, In Comic Form!

There may have been some other things that happened, but clearly they don't matter, because there'll be jetpack next year! Jetpacks!

Also, remember you can click the image for a larger version.

A Common Occurrence

This happens far too often these days. I think it stems from the sheer amount of games I can choose to play. I can't focus on one game anymore and none of the games I do play are actually fun to me. But it usually passes. Usually.

Losing My Keys: A Bad Day That, In Retrospect, Wasn't So Bad

You know the feeling. You've lost your keys. Now you can't get into your house, car, or any number of places. Well, yesterday the same thing happened to me. As soon as I got to campus I was surprised to realize that my keys, in all their jingly goodness, were NOT in my coat pocket like I believed them to be. I mumbled a certain expletive deleted and locked my bike up. This began what was one of the most needlessly stressful days of my life.

I immediately thought that my keys fell out of my coat pocket. Now, had I been rational, I'd have realized that I've never had my keys fall out of my pocket without hearing them delightfully jingle to the ground. And if I'd been even more rational, I'd have remembered that I've been riding my bike to and from campus for roughly 4 years now and never once have had my keys fall out of any jacket. But I was not being rational. I daresay I was being irrational.

So my first thoughts were of my keys, falling, in slow motion, from my pocket, only to land in the nearby creek and be swept away, never to be seen again. Which makes perfect sense, of course. I ride my bike through a park that has a path next to a creek. And by next to a creek, I mean about 20 feet away from a creek. So somehow, my keys would have had to launch themselves from my pocket and soar the 20 feet to the creek and then somehow become weightless enough to be swept away by the actually pretty stagnant water.

But I was already late for my recitation. I couldn't go back to look! And it'd be dark the next time I would be able to go back and look. Curses! I begrudgingly made my way to class and grumbled some more inappropriate words to myself. Or at least I hope those words were quiet enough that it could be considered "to myself" and not "loud enough that people think I'm crazy."

I ran on auto pilot through my recitation. Barely distracted enough not to think about my keys. Man, now I'll have to replace all of them! That's the 2 house keys, the mail key, the key for my broken car, the key to my brother's broken car, the keys to my parent's house... In my second class I turned in what was perhaps the harshest class survey I've ever turned in. I actually put disagree in some categories rather than neutral. I feel so dirty.

Well f....dang, I thought to myself, my USB drive is on my keys too! Now I can't save all the hilarious pictures I find on the interne- I mean save all the important powerpoint presentations and spreadsheets I have. One more thing to worry about. One more thing to make me moody. I was somewhat snippy with the guy at the Bagel Place when he took forever with my card. This whole key situation was turning me into a monster!

In a moment of clarity, I texted my roommates to see when/if they'd be home today. Maybe I just left my keys on my desk and they could check for me. Hold on, I usually give myself a quick pat down to check I have the necessities (wallet, phone, keys, ....iPod) I must have dropped them! But I had to try! Maybe I just thought my keys were in my coat because my gloves were also in that pocket. They're probably nestled comfortably on my desk next to all my awesome desk chotchkies. My roommate Jeff said he wouldn't be home until 4:30. That's when I start work. Now I'll never know where my keys are! And by never I mean I won't know until then!

I scarfed down a bagel or two with my buddy Rob from class. He was having a great day, he told me. "Well I'm glad everything's turning up Rob today, but I lost my keys!" I complained at him, "And my phone's battery is almost dead! Which bothers me for some reason!" Despite my complaining, Rob still had a good day.

At precisely 4:16, I received a text: "No luck my man." My heart sank. KEYS! Why Have you forsaken me! I angrily tore off my coat. The anger had caused me to perspire. I knew I should have worn a lighter coat. *GASP* I had worn a lighter coat! At least before I left the house I had! It was on my bed! A quick text to Jeff. The longest minute in my life waiting in reply hoping my phone had enough juice to receive one last text message......

"Luck. Found em" HUZZAH! I've triumphed over .... adversity? Well, not really. I've triumphed over something that was sure. I looked around to see if any one was looking and did a jump and heel click. Crap, people were looking. But I don't care! My keys are waiting for me at home! Nothing could get me down! I had survived being unable to enter my home and therefore I had survived being homeless.

Work was a blur of helping people print and looking at time wasting stuff on the Internet (mostly the latter). I pedaled home at my leisure and found my keys, on my bed, next to the jacket I should have worn. As my phone weakly vibrated to indicate it's near-dead battery, I hooked it up to the charger, happily jingled my keys, and grabbed myself an orange cream soda. Because I deserved it. Probably.

Stuff I Think About While Riding My Bike

I ride my bike to and from school every day. Sometimes twice for work. And the way I go usually is devoid of traffic save for a few intersections, but it still takes about a half an hour to get where I'm going. That's 2 hours of riding on some days. So I have plenty of time to think about strange stuff, and boy does my mind think of the weirdest things when it's allowed to wander. So I present for you: Stuff I Think About While Riding My Bike, or SITAWRMB. That's a working title.

1. While I'd would never actually want this to happen, if I ever had to be hit by a vehicle, I would want to be hit by an ambulance. Think about it: a team of trained professionals is already there to save your life. Well, I suppose you could still die as an ambulance is pretty big and if it's going fast enough, you're done for. But on average, I'd choose ambulance every time. Though if I did get hit fatally, at least my last thought would be one of delicious irony. "Ha! I about to be killed by an ambulance! How hilariou-" I'd think as it plowed into me. Macabre, but hilarious. Also, I guess I'd have to be deaf in this scenario, otherwise I'd hear the sirens and probably move. Again, I'd never actually want this to happen, but if some omnicient intergalactic being forced me to be struck by a vehicle for it's amusement, I'd choose ambulance just as a small victory for myself.

2. Here's strange situation I actually tweeted about a while ago. It's about 1 in the morning, I'm riding home from work, it's cold, foggy and there's a full moon. In the distance I hear police sirens. The first thought in my head? A werewolf has escaped. Now, I don't actually believe in werewolves, but some part of me has been trained to think full moon + creepiness = werewolf. I've ridden through that park countless times, on much darker nights, but the fog added about 241% more creepiness. Needless to say, I rode home in record time.

3. Street lights are there to help us see at night. Except for one. One that I know hates me. It's right before the intersection of Shields and Lake and every time I pass it, it goes out. And I mean every. Single. Time. And every single time, I somehow still get startled by it and let out a muffled "sonofabitch!" I have no clue why it goes out when I pass it. I've seen plenty of cars and pedestrians pass it without so much of a flicker, so I must be giving off some sort of weak electromagnetic pulse or something. Which, if it's true, could be just the kind of lame super power I need to finish my lame super power bingo card.

4. This one is just a generalization about other bikers I encounter. I know for a fact that not everyone who rides a bike does it for pleasure. Take, for example, me. I do it out of necessity. And spite. Mostly spite. However, the vast majority of other cyclists seem to be the hardcore, spandex wearing, aerodynamic helmet sporting, performance bicycle riding enthusiasts. And in this case I call them "cyclists" rather than "bikers" because that's probably what they consider themselves. "Oh, I'm cyclist. Look at all my uncomfortable curves as I pass you no matter how fast you're going." It wouldn't bother me so much, but somehow, I know they're judging me with their judging eyes, hiding behind their judgeproof sunglasses with UV protection.

They're just one subset of other bike riders that annoy me. Perhaps I'll get into the dreaded "fixie" riders next time.

BONUS IMAGE: Lame Super Power Bingo